This past week has been the hardest for me since I moved to the West Coast. I never thought I would live on this side of the country and never dreamed of doing it, which makes adjusting to everything all the more difficult. My homesickness never subsides and I've yet to feel like this is my new "home." I don't think it will ever feel that way. San Francisco as a whole is just too cold and too dirty for me, and an all around culture shock - tons of naked people, homeless and the stench of marijuana on a daily basis. I never thought I'd miss the suburbs, minivans, big backyards and tree lined streets; yet here I am.
I don't expect to know what I want to do with my life at 22 but I've never felt so aimless. I've used the word disenchanted over and over again to try describing the way I feel about life but I don't even know if that really explains it completely. I just feel like every goal I had ever set out for myself when I went to college has been checked off my list and now I'm here staring at a blank slate, not knowing how to fill it up again.
I feel stifled. Maybe that's my new word to use in conjunction with disenchanted. I feel like I'm thinking too much and not doing enough. I feel like my projects aren't mine anymore and that frustrates me. I feel like I often lose sight of why I started to do things in the first place and it frustrates me. It makes me want to abandon everything I'm doing and start fresh - which I've done too many times to count that it's starting to make me feel like I never follow through with anything. And that frustrates me.
This post isn't really going anywhere, I'm just complaining. All I know is I miss home and I miss feeling grounded and I miss feeling like I can just be who I am and be open and all that lame emotional stuff.
I hope this week will be better, but I guess we'll have to see.
15 comments:
Welcome to your 20's, sis. Not to detract from your feelings but this type of thing happens a lot with people our age...well, I'm older, but trust me, I felt the same way...and still do sometimes...
Not to worry though, just go along with the ride and try to learn and gain as much from the experience as you can. Even though it may suck, these things will be enriching one way or another.
=D
Heyy,
I hope you find what it is youre looking for, dont feel like you have to give up and start over when things get tpugh tho. maybe you just have stop thinking for a minute, and let life take you where it wants to take you.
It really does work out that way soemtimes. and youll know it when it happens, cheesy but ' life is what happen to you when youre busy making other plans'. go by that for a while, and see where it takes you :)
hope you feel better soon, and yeah, i wish they would clean up the city every once in a while. :)
xx
i'm sorry to hear that...from past posts i think you live in the tl? my husband used to be a cop and was stationed there. he said it was super freak show and completely disturbing. being stationed there had him so stressed even when he was at home. it may be your scenery and the people around you weighing you down. i hope things get better for you but i will tell you, i remember feeling that way at that age and things will get def better. you will go through a life changing experience that is very unexpected and give you a lot of new and different points of view. i don't mean to sound like a fortune teller but i just know and have seen it. i wish you the best :) and, i would love to steal a few things from you...and all your shoes!
...i forgot to add, your hair looks great! i really love it!
Hope you feel better babe. Sometimes you just have to let life take its course and see where it leads you.
http://aimeehx3.wordpress.com
oh my gorgeous lover.
how we've all felt this way at some point or another. There are so many highs and lows, focally in our 20s. That's why there are so many of us who want to be our own boss, leave what we know to go after our dreams, risking it all.
From what I see here, you've left what you know to come to something unknown to do something you're great at. (I saw Chictopia & The Cut's page, it's wonderful) It's a struggle, it's annoying a majority of the time but it helps us to become stronger for our 30s. (ewww 30?)
I'm not sure about your indepth personality, but maybe you should take a higher risk. Maybe take up something you've never done before to spice up life. Although SF is a very cold place, I've grown up here my entire life. I must say, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else...which I'm sure you feel about your hometown. Come my way, let's for real get brunch. Get a brighter side of life.
I heard a good quote the other day..."life is like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, then SURPRISE lands in your lap then blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah then SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS then blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." It's a contentious cycle of life. It's rare that it's always exciting and it's usually filled with BLAHHHH, but when something great happens to us, we got to embrace it cuz then BLAHx5 comes around so quick.
xx.
Christina
I'm 26 and is just as lost as you. No direction, no motivation.
It's rough out there. But you just have to push through and roll with the punches. Just moving away from home and adapting to a new environment is a big step and achievement in itself.
I hope that things get better for you and you find something that each time you start fresh you will find something that is worth not abandoning.
Keep your eye and heart on the prize, you will get it in the end :)
welcome to the bay area! its all the joy of being in your 20's. You will feel more of yourself in your 30's:0)
oh, how I feel you.
I've had to move around a lot for work and it can feel incredibly hollow. When you said you missed feeling grounded I knew exactly what you meant.
You need time for it to feel like home. Give it time :)
Hi there, I just read your post and to be honest with you I've been feeling the same way. You and I are the same age. Except for the fact that I'm assuming you finished school. I still have a year to finish. But I'm the same way where I think too much and feel like I'm not getting anything done. But as people have said in your comments, I guess the best thing to do is hang in there and learn and experience. I guess that's what life is really about. lol I wonder how our 30's will turn out. I mean it sucks that you just moved and have to get used to a new environment. I honestly thought San Francisco would be a nice place to live! I live in Los Angeles. Let me tell you girl, where I live it's a lot worse! I live in South LA (used to be known as South Central)Anyway, I wish you much luck in everything you do! You're a very beautiful girl! Take care! :)
beauty is everywhere, you just have to be open to it... even in old hippies that smell like marihuana (trust me I know, i work in Amsterdam, most of the stoners are tourists though) And i'm sure you'll adjust... we all have that feeling sometimes.
I feel you. All I have to say is that I was somewhere I didn't want to be for 4 years for college, and loved the college, but not so much the area or (most) of the people...but I learned so much from it. And I think we are similar in that we just need to be where we were... where our heart is, if you want to be cheesy. ha! but, I feel you and I understand and you'll get where you're going.... much love and hugs to you, girl!
This is crazy, you've just perfectly hit the nail on the head right there for me.
I have these kind of clear moments, where I think I understand everything, know what's the best to do in every occasion, the feeling that I know myself thoroughly and that my goals are very clear. And then one moment later I can be completely in doubt about my interests and abilities. The only consistancy in here, is that I'm always on the search for beautiful things and that I truely believe in humour as a fuel for life.
Well, I've thought about this moments of doubt a lot lately - yes, the activity thinking kicks in a bit too much here to. My way to settle with it, is to realise that 'doubt' means you're not taking everything for granted the way it is and it's about to take you somewhere better. Maybe it helps for you too?
First I will say when you went temporarily MIA I genuinely missed your blog. I was so happy to click on 'Refresh' and see that you were posting again.
I am a 30 year old teacher (30 definitely not EWWW) who can't afford half the shit I see on the the nearly 60 fashion blogs I visit everyday. However, these blogs provide great escapes and inspiration.
Because your blog entertaining me with fanciful clothes and beauty products, it provides insight. The most meaningful quote I recite (and is also chalked on my living room wall): "I'm not ironically detached, I'm not apathetic, I'm not resigned, and I'm not contemptuous of bleeding hearts. I am a greedy bitch with voracious expectations, and I dream long and lustfully of a better world that is both my muse and objective. I want it like the cracked earth of the desert wants rain, and I will neither apologize for nor amend my desire because of its remove from the here and now; its distance encourages my reach."
I got this quote from your site and it is my daily motivation in how I interact with my students.
The point I'm trying to make is that outside of the pretty clothes you wear, your luscious locks, and crafty ideas...you are a beautiful addition to our society. Welcome those moments that are confusing, because once you determine your true destiny and purpose...it becomes a great and daunting responsibility.
So appreciate not knowing. Appreciate figuring out what the hell you were doing in the first place. Appreciate starting and not finishing.
Because one day you will wake up and it will all make sense. You will be doing what you love and it will be yours and on your own terms.
Anyway, I had a long day with my students so this probably sounds rambling. Keep your head up and enjoy your new city.
Respectfully,
A fan.
Post a Comment